you are loved.

i love these three words strung together. so simple. so true. everyone deserves to be loved. romantically, in friendships and of course by their family. i try to surround myself with people who love me and who i love. i think it's so important. too much time, energy and emotion can be wasted otherwise. beth and i talk about this from time to time. we're both such people pleasers, wanting everyone to like us all of the time, too often going out of way for others. this year however she is putting her own happiness first and she is inspiring me to do the same. it's actually really hard to do, to be selfish when your used to being selfless. to say what you think as opposed to saying what you think others want to hear. conflict has always made me extremely uncomfortable so i am happiest sitting on a little fence, away from the action. i know that it's no way to live though and that people tend to have more respect for those who are strong and say what they mean and mean what they say. i do of course speak my mind in the presence of those i love or who love me, that is the beauty of those close relationships, you are able to be your true self. my best friends will probably tell you i'm too honest at times! so what am i trying to say here? i think i've lost myself! i would also like to point out that i have only had 4 hours sleep so am not in the best frame of mind to be getting into this! a few things... i wish i was more the person that i am with my close friends, so my true self, around everyone. whether i've just met you or if you are mean or nice or indifferent. i wish i didn't go out of my way to be nice to people who i feel deep down don't deserve it. but then again, i think to myself, is that because i don't like conflict or because i am just a nice person who wants there to be good in everyone and everything? and then i come full circle and think, why do i care so much and why do i wish i was a certain way instead of just being who i am, and that is someone who is happy to sit on the sideline and be a little bit of everything to everyone. loud around some, quiet around others, always moulding to other peoples personalities and not letting my own shine. does it all come down to not loving myself in the first place? it is one thing to love and be loved by others but first and foremost i think we should be able to say 'you are loved' to ourselves. i know in my heart of hearts that i am not truly there yet. only when i stop 'wishing' will i know that i love and accept myself for the person i am. that is what i'll be working on in two thousand and twelve, wish me luck! ♥